Monday, January 02, 2006

These are a few of my favorite things, la la

Sung to the tune of These are a few of my favorite things. Come on, big Julie Andrews enthusiasm here. A selection of the qualifications for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, with (you knew I had to) commentary:

An internal sense of anxiety.
I live on a big mud ball, which is traveling through space at 18.5 miles per second. The dominant species is insane and worships paper. Considering this, an internal sense of anxiety might be considered the ultimate sane reaction.

Impulsive spending habits.
We aren’t talking shoes here, right? Or the $130 worth of pressed glass leaves I just ordered?

Frequently misplace the car keys, your purse or wallet or other everyday items.
Apparently everyone I know has this condition.

Lack of attention to detail
Only at work. Whew.

Family history of ADD, mood disorders, learning disabilities or substance abuse problems.
What. You're saying this is a problem?

Trouble following normal channels or chain of command.
I think of this as my most outstanding virtue. The parade is obviously going the wrong way. Check CNN if you don’t believe me.

An attitude of “read the directions if all else fails.”
Direction from my hair-straightening iron booklet and I’m not making this up:
“Do not use while sleeping.”

Frequently overwhelmed by the tasks of daily living.
Only the part where I’m awake.

Inconsistent work performance.
Yes. But you have to remember I’m overwhelmed, internally anxious, have lost my purse and come from that family.

Sense of underachievement.
Those who don’t, stand up. No. Okay. Now, everyone who does NOT have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, sit down. Thought so.

Frequent Mood Swings.
The bi-polar express, you mean?

Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships.
Friendship, no problem. Intimate relationships? Define “sustaining.” How long are we talking about here? What are the circumstances? Is he still able to hold a conversation with me outside of “Do I have a clean shirt?” Am I required to sustain it if he isn’t?

Tendency towards exaggerated outburst.
That’s what w-r-i-t-i-n-g is, you dolts.

Tendency towards being argumentative.
I’m not argumentative. I’m right.

Addictive personality towards food, alcohol, drugs, work and or gambling.
Only if it’s good food, alcohol, drugs, interesting work or gambling with lots of flashing lights and zippy noises. I apologize. I’ve admitted in this blog that I drink cheap plonk, so I withdraw the “good” qualification from “alcohol.”

Thin skinned – tendency towards quick or exaggerated responses to real or imagined slights.
Are you saying I’m imagining slights? Perhaps you should check your medication.

Stay tuned for my Adult Psychiatric Quiz Addiction Disorder entry!