Monday, September 25, 2006

Woman seeks Sugar Daddy


Today, as I ruminated on about whether or not to register a craft business officially, and whether or not to save money or spend wads of it to buy supplies wholesale, my boss remarked, "You need a different kind of boyfriend."
"Huh?"
"You need a sugar Daddy," she said, and I immediately thought of what I'd recently written for the middle-aged meme:

What I'll Never Do and That's Okay: Enter a relationship for money, status or security.

It was the very first sentence of the meme and suddenly I realized that saying "never" is one of those things you shouldn't do because that's when the Universe, God love it, decides to get hilarious on your ass. It popped into my mind, that, having said such a thing, in writing and as publically as you can get, the temptation (impossible as it seems to me) might arise.

I'm beating the universe to it. I'm advertising here and now.

Woman Seeks Sugar Daddy:

The qualified applicant should be between 45 and 110.

Hair is not an issue, unless you do a comb-over and then you are just pathetic no matter how much money you have.

Height is not an issue if you don't mind me towering over you.

Build is not an issue because who in hell is perfect.

Money, for obvious reasons, is an issue but you don't have to be on the list of world's wealthiest men. Moderately well off will do.

Needn't be emotionally sensitive but should be emotionally aware - say five, on a scale of ten.
A lively look in the eyes is nice. Table manners also.

Must be able to read.

An interest in sex is useful if you want to have any - and by "interest" I mean the kind of interest that indicates you actually know something about it beyond the absolute basics.

If you are not handy at chores, you should be able to employ someone who is.

Religion is optional and I'm open-minded, as long as you don't go on and on or expect me to convert to anything.

You would never, ever, ever talk down to me under any circumstance.

Race is completely beside the point.

And finally - this is important - you would never mistake me for your mother, daughter or the domestic help.

NOW! THIS is what YOU get!

To enjoy the fast pace of associating with a woman whose mood cycles on a minute to minute basis.

Infinite sympathy for your real problems.

A kick in the butt when you are sorry for yourself over things that aren't real problems.

Talents I cannot write about on the internet. If you deserve them.

Blunt honesty alternating with periods of abject humility.

Complete silence when you need it.

Someone who can really listen when you really need to talk.

And who will tell you to shut-up when you're talking BS.

I clean up well and can manage social gatherings for limited periods of time.

Tolerance for guy-things, up to and including days of football on television (as long as I am in a sound-proof room somewhere else.)

You may pee with the bathroom door open but do not ever clip your toenails in front of me.

I will read you stories and tell you amusing anecdotes.

I will give you lots of alone time.

I will not ask "what are you thinking" or start conversations with, "we need to talk."

I don't care about your past unless you killed your previous girlfriend.

A sense of humor. (Warning: Not always when you expect it.)

A way to spend your hard-earned cash and the opportunity to give business advice (if it's good and it's brief).

This is a time-limited offer. It probably expires when my fingers leave the keyboard. My phone number is...
written on the wall of the men's washroom at The Split Crow Pub in Halifax.

Thank you for your bandwidth.

27 comments:

zhoen said...

Oh, that never could also mean not dating someone because they are not rich. And generally preferring generosity and proof of diligence.

I tell D I married him for his money. Someday, it may come true.

herhimnbryn said...

I woke feeling ghastly this morning. But oh lj, this perked me up no end! :)

You know? If the magical SD ever appeared in your life he'd be getting a bargain!

"Talents I cannot wrtie about on the internet. If you deserve them."

Hee! You will have them lining up in the street , just for that!

beadbabe49 said...

lol...ok, instead of saying, never, how about just saying it's damn unlikely! From everything I've ever seen, going after a guy for his money ends in the gal working waaaaay harder than she ever would have just working for herself! (and a lot less heartache too!)

hey...I'm just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Having married the ONE broke-ass chick to have ever come to Canada from Japan, I feel your pain.

Being broke sucks, lawd how I knows it, but what would you do with riches m'dear? You have nothing but contempt for the wealthy, are ultimately tied to simple pleasures, and are (valleygirl affectation) So Over Sophis-tic-ation.

-marko

Mary said...

heh

LJ said...

Zhoen..Your comment made me grin, but it's a little late in life for me to have faith in someone's potential wealth! And have to confess, my experiences (I've had a few)dating wealthy men have been awful. And it had to do with their money and sense of power and entitlement. Especially that last thing.

Herhimnbryn. Laughing. Yeah. Bet I had everyone stumped on that "talent" thing, huh? Glad you got a laugh out of it. Wait until you see my list of things you must never do if you date me.

BB - You are so right. SO right. And I know it. Which is why you don't see someone paying my rent.

Marko...I could change! I could learn to love a wealthy man. Couldn't I? No?
Damn.

And M - Heh to you too. I take it that was at least a tiny laugh?

phlegmfatale said...

...and isn't that JUST the truth about putting it out in the universe, that "I would never" business? TOO ironic.

My favorite moment? The line about the pee and clipping toenails - best to lay those expectations out up front and save the disappointment down the line. I think a man between the ages of 45 and 110 would do well to snag a sugar baby like you, even if you do tower over them! LOVE this post.

phlegmfatale said...

oh, and btw - I just successfully posted a comment over on your beta blog.

LJ said...

Why thank you PF. It would be interesting to publish a relationship contract in full, no?

Jess D'Zerts said...

Dear LJ,
Please send me your overflow, along with any respondents you deem geographically undesirable for being located on the west coast.
Thanks in advance,
Jessie D.
P.S. I can live with the toenail clipping as long as nothing goes projectile.

LJ said...

Jess, you are a woman of remarkable grace & tolerance (I refer here to the clipping issue).
You'd be amazed how many people have asked for any disgards that may turn up.
So far...not a single offer. Can you believe it? And me, such a PRIZE.

Jess D'Zerts said...

Can't believe that, LJ, I'm sure all the respondents are busy polishing their presentations with the highest of hopes.

BTW, I realized my mistake after I submitted my previous comment: if enough sugar is involved, there's no such thing as geographically undesirable. Duh. So I guess I will have to depend on the toenail issue to (pardon the expression) flesh out the overflow crowd... :-O

Mary said...

Point of information:

Heh = a loud guffaw

Mary said...

... should add that it was a l-o-n-g guffaw. From the start to the finish of the post. ;-)

But it was particularly loud when I got to:

*I don't care about your past unless you killed your previous girlfriend."

As I said. Heh.

Edie said...

lj,
thanks for the smile and giggles turned to laughs. today, i needed something to laugh about.

Cheers

Jewels said...

Okay, this was a nice funny post to come to! LOL! See, I see NOTHING wrong with sugar daddies. They can be quite handy, especially if you have a list of demands such as yours for them to follow through... ;) Yeah, I also laughed at the " not caring about their past" business, and "And finally - this is important - you would never mistake me for your mother, daughter or the domestic help."... ? Yeah, priceless!!!!

Darkmind said...
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LJ said...

Hey Darkmind! Good point. But I think I'd be entitled to inquire about the type of accident. I mean, if he slipped and killed her with a straight-razor in a shaving "accident"...well, I might get sticky about that. Or if she fell into a woodchipper etc.
Grinning.

Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
LJ said...

DM...Do you realize you're the only male who dared to comment??
And the "woodchi"....ooohhh, lucky guess!

Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
LJ said...

Gee, it shows does it? That intimidation thing? Laughing. Yeah. That's a fact, Darkmind - I can drive men off in droves...except for a particular type, who know a paper tiger when they see one.

Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
LJ said...

And I'm almost positive you don't do that comb-over thing. You know the one, growing the last wisps of hair over a bald spot?
And hey! At least you commented!

LJ said...

Duh. Growing the last wisps of hair LONG SO you can comb over the bald spot, I mean.

Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
LJ said...

Oh that is TOO gross. I wonder what it says about me that I also find it hilarious. Don't answer that.