Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Cheering myself in the face of defeat

I've resigned from the off and on chase with New Guy. Too many back problems, too many other obligations, too strong a come-on for little actual effort on his part. I am trying to swear off being low on a man's priority list.

That was the depressing start to my day. Subsequently, I decided to pitch myself into the virtual hell of a dating site again and someone genuinely funny contacted me. The excerpts from his ad are in blue, below, followed by my answers. Obviously, I was not trying for a deeply meaningful connection here. I am, in fact, deeply mistrustful of ALL deeply meaningful connections at this point. But I had fun. And I made him laugh.

Besides, it's my claim to having written today. It's not War and Peace - but hell, it's free.

The ad and reply:

No heavy luggage.
Well, obviously not. I’ve been on the planet for fifty years and experience has left me entirely untouched and blissfully cheerful at all times.

No support stockings. How about under wire bras?

Ability to laugh without cracking make-up. I never laugh. It cracks my makeup.

No common sense/common sense. Exactly.

Picks up a book on occasion. I don’t need an occasion. It’s an everyday kind of thing.

Must not be looking for one good man. What? You mean there’s only one? Do you know where he lives?

Must enjoy men. Well, not in large groups. Okay, wait. What are the men doing? If they are talking about golf, I have to confess, I’m bored silly. Are they being charming? I might like them if they are charming. Or funny. Are they intelligent men or stupid men? You see the problem here? I need specifics.

Must not have a list of “must nots” that is longer than her profile. Mine is memorized so no need to write it down – at least until I hit volume 14 and then it will become onerous to commit it to memory.

No pictures of fuzzy bears with hearts. Jesus. I should think not. How do you feel about bunny pictures? The letter “i” dotted with a heart?

Knows what a mirror is for. Got me there. I thought you looked in them to comb your hair and floss your teeth and to make sure your cosmetic trowel is doing its job, but if there’s some mysterious other use, you should inform me.

Same with the weigh scale.

Must be perfect. No brainer. Of course I’m perfect.

Should have faults. I prefer to think of them as side-effects of genius.

Must see the humour in all this. Ditto.

10 comments:

herhimnbryn said...

Dearest lj,
Shouts of laughter as the sun comes up here in Oz.

LJ said...

Thanks darlin' H. I'm vulnerable and miserable and angry and burnt - but by god if I can still make someone else laugh, then I can start to laugh to. Have a lovely day in Oz, H.

zhoen said...

No Heavy Luggage: Nope, bad for my herniated discs.

Knows what a mirror is for: Refracting light.

Must enjoy men: Sauteed?

No support stockings: varicose veins a turn on?

Ability to laugh w/o cracking make-up: I never wear make-up.


That is one confused ad placer.

LJ said...

Actually, he was having a ball contradicting himself. But the luggage comment got me started. I wish I'd thought of the varicose vein comment!

beadbabe49 said...

Sometimes the obstacles are for climbing over and sometimes a sign to take another road! I think you got the right message...

funny and witty....how's his back?

herhimnbryn said...

lj (((((((0)))))))

Darkmind said...

Dammit...Zhoen beat me to the cannibalism reference! Though I must say I'd rather have a woman with a whole lot of "must nots" than one who has a whole lot of "musk knots". EWW!

LJ said...

BB - His back is very bad, I sincerely hope. Not that I'm feeling vengeful or anything.
H - I needed those!
D - Musk knots?? I can't believe the stuff you come up with. And Zhoen is pretty quick, huh?

Darkmind said...

Musk knots = stinky tangled hairs, or maybe another name for dingleberries. And yes, Zhoen is quick indeed-and surprising.

Minor Deity said...

I think the third and second last items might be mutually exclusive, but that's me.
As for no pictures of fuzzy bears with hearts, how about actually fuzzy bears with hearts? ;)