Saturday, June 02, 2007

On the thirteenth day

By the 13th day, anger has flamed into ashes and blown away. The emptiness of loss hollows a space that fills repeatedly with tears. I can’t think badly of him, can’t live with the last furious words I said to him. I can’t summon outraged dignity and hurt pride.

I call to leave voice mail, tell him I hope his upcoming biopsy is over with quickly and the results show he’s holding his own. The wish for his good health is real, but only the top layer of the message, which is I am still your friend, no matter what. I call when I’m certain he’s not there, because I’m not challenging his decision.

And he responds to the message sounding like it’s the first time he’s breathed in two weeks. We talk for two hours on the phone and I say, “I’m glad we could have this conversation. I’m glad it didn’t end in anger.”

He says, “Are you free? Can I come over so we can talk in person?”

At the end of the afternoon, he looks at the bead journal page – studies it for a minute before he says anything then,

“You really thought I was gone for good, didn’t you?”

“Every time.”

Maybe this time we’ve taught each other how to recognize the minefields. God knows, two people never tried harder.


beadbabe49 said...

Blessings on you both...the only thing harder than partnering is least in my life that's been the way of it.

LJ said...

The way of it in mine, too - at least the "partnering" thing. It's a long way between feeling and speech and amazing what change shape on the way.
Thanks, BB. Thanks.

zhoen said...

Why do you want him back?

herhimnbryn said...

What bb and z said.

Being what I understand is a typical Libran, I read this and thought,
1. Go carefully dear one, go carefully. Back away.And
2. Life is short, therefore grab what you can with both hands and enjoy the moment.
Not very helful am I? xo

LJ said...

Hello Zhoen...because 90% of the time we're happy.We have these storms - always arising from hurt and misunderstanding on both sides, but they are as infrequent as they are serious. Because we've been strongly connected from the start and still are and that doesn't happen for me or him that often. Because we get each other's jokes and stories and I don't have to explain most things to him. Because maybe he can learn (he's going to try)to talk to me when he thinks he's picking up signals that he should go and because maybe I can learn (I'm going to try)to not start talking at page one, when the meaning of what I'm saying is on page 8.

Hello Herhimnbryn -
I have suggested that we see each other less often. We've agreed to that. Less weight of expectation on us both. We've done all we can, in talking, to try to understand how these explosions happen, to try to figure out ways to prevent them in the future. Maybe we are trying to back away slowly. I know that neither of us can stand the thought of leaving each us other hurt or angry or losing the friendship. Best we can do. Best I can do for now.
I appreciate your listening H & Z. I know there are no guarantees here.

mm said...

I left a comment but Blogger apparently ate it. Obviously I'm not meant to impart those particular words of wisdom.

In any event I'm the least qualified person on the planet to advise others on their relationships. We all have our own paths, our own links to others.

I would just say: please take care of yourself, don't put yourself in harm's way.

Edvard Moonke said...

I do wish all the best for you both. x