Thursday, November 22, 2007

Winkers and Wankers

I do some of my best work when people piss me off on internet dating sites. I'd feel sad about sinking to the level of replying to some of these ding-bats, but hell, they "winked." What is a wink, you ask? A little message available to people who haven't coughed up the cash to actually join a site - but are able to post a profile and send canned messages like, "I think you're beautiful" or "I could be the one for you." If you email them (as a paying member) they can reply. They just can't initiate email.

Last night, a man in Britain winked. He said, in his profile, that he wasn't actually looking - just amusing himself. OK, fine. Then, he offered a joke that went:
"I got a sweater for Christmas but what I wanted was a screamer or moaner." He wanted to know if the winkees got the joke and found it funny. He suggested he enjoyed getting erotic email from strangers.

And then, I used a valuable two minutes of my life replying:

"The sweater vs moaner/screamer joke? Mildly funny. I have a hard time with puns. There was a traumatic pun incident in my youth involving an uncle who also wore plaid pants on Sundays. I'm sure you understand.

You are not looking for someone. Admirable. At least you admit it.

I don't write erotic emails - so we have a minus score there. I prefer to be erotic in person. This is not to say I can't write erotic emails. I'm very good at them - but I think some company like Hallmark should be paying me for them. I could be "Say it with Smut - a little tiny division of Hallmark."Or I should have my own 1-900 number. (You may not get the references here - unless you are cursed by Hallmark cards in Britain.)

I am looking for somebody. I actually - I WAS looking for somebody but have given it up. Now I'm looking for another cat and perhaps a goldfish.

What exactly is the purpose of the "wink?" I suspect it's a way of saying, "Hello there. You don't know me, but I'd like to see you naked." The reason I'm asking is because I've bothered to actually write letters (See! I'm doing it again) to winkers (try not to think about how close that is to another word)...and find that they reply with a sullen or distant few words and then disappear into cyber space, never to be heard from again. Or they express regret that I am so far away. Light years, if they only knew. And besides, the number of miles is clearly indicated on the profile.

But you're just amusing yourself and so I feel it's fair enough for me to amuse myself back with yet another letter saying anything I please. You did say that fairness was a quality you value, didn't you?
Cheers, Linda"

It was a therapeutic two minutes. Even though it's like feeling pride in being able to hit the broad side of a barn door with a volleyball. And at least I wrote something.


Anonymous said...

Vintage L. This is why I adore you so.

And of course you realize, he'll be mailing you back now.


LJ said...

And so he did, Marko, sweetheart. Several times. Turns out he's kind of nice. And literate. And taken. But he'll make a dandy friend and as he's apologized so sincerely, I'm not so pissed at him now.

phlegmfatale said...

you certainly DID write something, and I got a massive giggle out of it, too. I'll bet it even made the wanker across the pond laugh, too. No doubt, it made him think.
Oh, and I was thinking of the Sweater thingy - they call them "jumpers" over there, which would fit the degree of style and the classy tone of that post, too.

LJ said...

Of course, Phlegmy, we've been writing each other since. And of course, he's a sweetheart - and is lots of fun to talk to. Very quick and quirky. And the email made him laugh (and apologize).

phlegmfatale said...

Well, that's how you separate the wheat from the chaff-- ply them with whit and see if they can hang with the big cats.

Kate said...

Hey, just a random question; The jet nouveau Victorian cuff you made and displayed on your beading web page, do you know where I can get one just like it? It could have been made to go with the fabulous little dress I just bought for new year's eve!

Thanks, and hope you're well!

LJ said...

Kate...My email link is on the side.
Email me your mailing address & I'll loan it to you. There are earrings, too...quite simple dangles, but very pretty & elegant (if you have pierced ears). You can ring in the new year and return by mail. But be quick! It's heavy mail season!

Kate said...

Crikey LJ are you sure? That's so nice of you!! I'll send you my address now, but if you have a change of heart in the meantime I'll understand! Thank you so much!x

LJ said...

Perfectly serious. When you're rich and employed, you can buy something. Meanwhile, it's my pleasure to think of you wearing it for New Year's.

LJ said...

Didn't get it yet, Kate. Send again?