Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sleeping and waking

Fine, thanks. That is, for months now, calm and creatively engaged. There are periods of unrelenting cheeriness. And were it not for the dreaming thing, I’d have to say that life was heading in a distinctly upward direction.

Waking, I shake off dreams of being enrolled in a university class and trying to explain that I’ve lost my purse to the professor, who simply keeps assuring me with enormous heartiness that I’ll do fine, just fine in the class – look, I’ve already made friends, apparently. It’s as if I’m speak in Farsi.

I search for my purse in a cloakroom festooned with coats and red purses. My purse is black. And I know that somehow, at lunch, I ended up on a slippery, snow-covered red plastic bridge only 3 feet wide. I look down at the far-below traffic and realize that I have no idea how I got there, and that I’m in danger. I shinny down on my stomach, gripping the edge. And now? I leave the classroom and set out to find the purse…my ID, my money…but I’m standing on a hilltop in what seems to be San Francisco. It’s cold and snowing and I don’t know the city. I can’t remember how to retrace my steps and I’m desperate.

Or I’m about to sing at a concert with a Very Famous Person. I have complete confidence in my ability to sing, only I can’t remember a single song or lyric.

I am lost or don’t know how I got there or missing some crucial piece of the puzzle…struggling to keep the ground under my feet, some control over my life, some sense (for God’s sake) of knowing what is next.

But I don’t. Know.

I think most of us embrace the illusion that there is an AHA moment coming in our lives…an age, a stage, when we begin to understand. When life becomes easier, or at least or resistance to the tide diminishes and we can flow. Certainly, speaking for myself, I hadn’t expected to be approaching 61 with the feeling that my biggest question is “what the….?”

So I’ve booked an appointment with an excellent astrologer. Recently, he suffered a devastating stroke and lost just about everything but (and I quote) his mind and consciousness. I told him what my big question is. And he still took the appointment.

I’ll let you know…


beadbabe49 said...

Please do! I've been wondering for years when I'm going to rise above all the crap and just appreciate the now...but I'm not there yet.

herhimnbryn said...

lj, those dreams! Do they stay with you all day. Do you always remember them in such detail?

LJ said...

BB...Believe me, if he can provide some insight, I'll be glad to share.

H. The dreams stick for about an hour. An uneasy, unsettled feeling - and then I pull out. And I only remember some of them in detail..other times, they're gone within a few minutes and just the feeling remains. I should be trying to write them down as soon as I wake up..but I haven't done. It's a weird thing, because mostly I'm pretty cheerful in the day and not feeling so muddled and shaky.

JoeinVegas said...

You seem to have remembered a lot of the one you did put down. Strange.

superior said...
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herhimnbryn said...

Hallooooooooooo lj,
Waving across the seas:)

JoeinVegas said...

Well? What did he say?

LJ said...

I'm laughing, Joe. I got the notification of comment and thought, "Who? What he?"...

We talked for over two hours - and if I didn't know astrology as well as I do, I'd have been gobsmacked at how well that man knew me.

About the confusion, the sense of being lost and unable to get going, he said that I would be there for the better part of 2009. He said that I'd be alone a lot...and figuring out what I needed from my life now.

In 2010, it breaks...and either I'll have real connection with a lot of people and decide I don't want a partner..or I'll decide to work my life stuff out with one person. He said I was an outsider in tune with the collective but not of it. "Out of the machine." That my archetype was the trickster...and my job was to (with love and humor)march in the opposite direction from the parade.

That I am a good Geisha and part of my work is to do that loving performance with more and more authenticity, until finally I am only performing myself. Until I can let someone backstage to the dressing room and appear without makeup. And that I have and will have many beloveds in my life. Many of those, not beloved of others.

Mind you, I told him absolutely nothing about myself at the beginning, nor did I pose a question - at his request.
And I got more than my money's worth because I was absolutely honest with him.

Oh. And he said he didn't think I had to worry about my creativity levels - or making money.

If you're Bill Herbst.

starbender said...

I luv the pic.

I'm back, and now everyone is missing. Wahhhh, :(

If you return, come say hi.
¸.•*¨ƸӜƷ Starbender ƸӜƷ¨*•.¸