Monday, October 10, 2005

The Spandex Cop - A Tale from the Neighborhood

I’m wearing a long baggy shirt, leggings and sandals. My hair is shoved into a ponytail. This is my standard outfit for cleaning binges. In the middle of cleaning, I make a run to the corner store and am hailed from the window of a second-floor apartment on the other side of the street. The traffic is roaring by, creating enough din that I can’t hear what the woman in the window is saying.

I put my hand to my ear and shake my head to show that I can’t make her out. She yells to me again and so I walk across the lawn and stand right next to the building.

“I’m sorry,” I holler, “I can’t hear you.” I figure if she’s taking the time to communicate something over and over, I can at least be courteous enough to listen. She leans out the window.

“You don’t look good in spandex,” she screams. I stare at her, stupefied. And then I recover.

“Thank you so much for the unsolicited fashion advice,” I reply. You poisonous little spider.

This is my neighborhood. I swear half the population has mistaken life for the Jerry Springer show.
But the worst thing is – when I get home, I check myself in the mirror.

I do so look good in Spandex, I tell myself.

5 comments:

marko said...

That's exactly the sort of thing that I used to yell at people back when I was still doing such things...

LJ said...

Um. Two people yelled. Which one were you relating to?
Not the poisonous spider, was it?
I recall the tales of your youth...so I can't tell...
Yikes.

mauser*girl said...

And I thought my neighbors were rude - but at least they never told me what I did (or didn't) look good in.

Yidchick said...

I'm sure you look *so* good in Spandex. Bloody cheek - people like the Spandex cop should be made to wear plastic underwear as revenge. And thank you for your kind words on my blog. You clearly did know what to say :-)

Koru's Daughter said...

The world is filled with
spandex cops.
Wounded little people who
spit poison but
vomit if they drink
anything except pure loving-kindness.
They often choke even on that.
Don't they know
that they reap what they sow?
Obviously they never
make the connection.


LJ, what did the spandex cop look like? Was she in curlers and an ugly sleeveless floral house frock? Did she tip the scale over 450 pounds? That is how she looks in my mind.