Tuesday, June 20, 2006

This is for you...

Here’s the thing…

Sometimes, when I I need people the most, I call and get voice mail and if the phone rings at my end, it’s a call center and the script doesn’t take a polite “no” for an answer. I’ve been stranded in rural Missouri and Southeast Jesus, on ice floes, at airports, and in my own home, my own head, my own crowded heart…with no one in sight and the tide coming in. It’s the sort of time Jehovah Witnesses come around too.

And that, I told myself, is how life is. I got on with learning to accept it. “Dome of silence” I called it. A forced lesson in getting stronger. Stop whimpering. You don’t live in Darfur. Get over yourself.

But other times, when the dishpan is floating grimy dishes from two days ago, which was the last time I really ate, when I’ve had a shot of gin for dinner and the walls are dissolving and listening to the radio is as soothing as chewing ground glass and I haven’t slept through a night without drugging myself and even my best fake smile is falling apart at the edges, people come through. And not only my close friends, bless them, but people I’ve never met in person. It’s a stone left on the doorstep, or recognition of having had the same sink of dishes and the same lunch, or a wish to be here and walk with me a bit. And in the midst of feeling like the best part of my life just burst into flames, all of a sudden I’m grateful.

Thank you for that. All of you.

I hope to return you to regular programming soon.

19 comments:

Mary said...

(o)

herhimnbryn said...

As is said here in Australia.
"No worries, Mate" . Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Let's see, instead of radio, try Toots and the Maytals. If you don't have any I will post it to you. It's like a guaranteed boost in positive energy.

--String

Katie said...

Linda, I know that you are going through a rough time right now, and I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel since I have not been in the exact same situation. Having said that, I do want to say that I know how it feels to have someone that you don't even know reach out from across the world via a computer and make you feel not so alone even though you are not in the same room and are virtually strangers. I know this because you are one of the people who checks in on me. Who gives me a piece of friendly advice and who makes the void not seem to grow as big as it is sometimes. So I want to thankyou and tell you that no good deed goes unnoticed. I only wish that there was something more I couold do to comfort. More than just words from hundreds of miles away. Hang in there and take care :)

Jamie

beadbabe49 said...

the 12-step programs all say, "a day at a time", but some days you have to take a breath at a time.....the good news is that after a while you can take it a whole minute at a time, and then on a really good day, a whole hour!
but you already know that don't you...and unfortunately the pain in dafur doesn't actually ease our own personal, in-your-face agony...

Lucas said...

I have a wish to be there and walk with you a bit.

Mella said...

No rush for the regular programming, LJ. This is the stuff life is made of - this is the stuff art is made of. The poetry of it will live on long after the pain has healed.

Amishlaw said...

Someone referred to "that Buddhist BS" in a comment to a previous post. That Buddhist BS has helped me get through some rough times. I have boiled it down to three axioms: "Be happy now," (i.e. being happy is a decision.) "Live in the moment," (i.e. concentrate on what is going on right now, not at some time in the past or what might happen in the future.) And, "Let it go," (i.e. there are some things over which we have no control and it is futile to hang onto things that are not in our power to change.) Sorry, if this sounds preachy. I often don't follow my own BS rules.

Melinda said...

Sorry I'm late in adding my voice to chorus of well-wishers. Just because you're not in Darfur doesn't mean your pain is any less real or acute. Hope you're taking good care of yourself and that things start looking up soon.

Anonymous said...

Haha, well I meant really that most people consider it BS. I definitely do try to live both those exact axioms, though.
And preach all you want, this is a soapbox after all, albeit somewhat less recognizeable.
Here's hoping LJ is feeling better soon!

--S

LJ said...

Gosh. I was cheering myself on there.
Not in Darfur, not Brittany Spears etc.
No. Thanks. I know BB & Melinda...it's relative, isn't it?
But...
Doing better. Have passed from self-abuse stage to self-care (which I do haphazardly, but it's an attempt).
Managed to joke about it today to one of the stock market white guys...
SMWG: "How are you?"
Me: "Got dumped."
SMWG: (embarassed silence)
Me: "The correct response is - My God, how could anyone in their right mind dump YOU? He must be insane."
SMWG: "Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was just going to say that."
Me: "Lucky you didn't see me Monday or I'd have been singing you some Tammy Wynette songs."

It's a start, huh? Now if I can just stop staring at the message light on the phone...

LJ said...

PS...You are all so dear, you know that.

Leazwell said...

"Crazy....I'm crazy for feeling so lonely..................................crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin' and I'm crazy for loving you."

I find Patsy cathartic. I hope you do too.

LJ said...

I'm at "Heart of Glass" now.
Blondie.
"Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass"

Prior to that, in a less feisty stage, it was Jan Arden's "Insensitive."

I love Patsy, by the way. But that would have just mutilated me. I know the danger of woman-alone music - and the supermarket playing Sade was more than enough.

Onward.

zhoen said...

Try some Sam Phillips, no one does better Torch Songs than she does.

When I got divorced, I got myself a card, a rather elegant cow, in pearls, holding a martini...
"You know the best part about getting divorced? Not having to put up with the same old bull anymore."

It cheered me immensely.

LJ said...

Here we have it folks...
the musical self-psychiatry comments selection.
Bet we could collect another thousand if we tried.

zhoen said...

Who needs a psychiatrist, when you have great music?

LJ said...

Exactly, Z!

phlegmfatale said...

Just do what you need to do for yourself. Even though I haven't been around lately, I'm glad this community has been such solace to you. The hurts of life and love take varying forms for all of us, but my heart keens to your writing, and I can't imagine anyone could read your recent posts and be untouched. Blessings.