Friday, August 18, 2006

Backing into corners

The digital display remembers the surname and first initial even though there is no message. I stare at the name and nod acknowledgment, certain he'll know I got the message he didn't leave - thinking about you, miss you.

Me too. I miss you too.

I've come home feeling almost beaten. A last minute email from the Acting President, "we have maximized enrollment for the fall." Up 12%. I'm trying to process what that translates to in terms of demand, the sheer number of new records to be entered, the crush of people needing something right now or better yet, yesterday.

On the bus, anxious, overwrought fantasies play out in my mind. I see myself standing at the main desk some few weeks from now, multi-tasking straight into cardiac arrest, or almost worse, starting to sob uncontrollably, until they have to usher me out. She's fine, she's fine, she just needs a little air. I know that after a "stress leave" no one would know what to say to me. I tell myself I have to put a positive spin on this, stop projecting ruin into the future, but I'm looping it. Over and over - I don't think I can face this again. I figure I'm due for a good Friday night cry.

Instead, when I get home, I pick up the message he didn't leave and think about how he mistrusts words, how he thinks he always says things wrong and hates to speak to voice mail. I think that my being "a verbal person," as he puts it, adds to his discomfort. But then I usually hear the things he doesn't say, too. Like I wish it was different. That doesn't mean just us, but so many things...

We are in accord there, too.

It helps to know that he was here. It reminds me that there is something more worth my energy.
I figure instead of crying, I'll sleep off the day - and wake up somewhere else.

The graphic above is the hobo symbol for: This is not a safe place.


zhoen said...

"Crappy, but I'll live, like we all do."

My response to the How Are YOU?s I have been getting enmass. Let them take care of you a bit.

Mary said...


herhimnbryn said...

Am pouring you a glass of wine, lighting the fire and bringing you a tray with pate and good french bread.
Sit down and unwind!

beadbabe49 said...

sometimes when I'm feeling that way...backed into a corner...I can walk it out - sometimes not. hugs to ya, lj, and a warm cosy corner to curl up into.

Jessie said...

Amazing how the simplest stroke from someone we care about can change our perspective.

It's the weekend. Just breathe.

LJ said...

Thanks so much, everyone...
It was a good weekend. Quiet. Saw the friend I missed. Did the laundry and made some woven beads.... Most of the time in silence. I even cooked for myself! Wonders will never cease. Thanks for your good wishes and support.

Katie said...

I wish you strength LJ. And I echo Jessie in "just breathe". I say that all the time to people I care about when their various worlds are tilted. Though it seems as if your weekend went well. You just needed a breather. My mama always says, "This too shall pass".

On a different note, I love how you put the hobo signs on here. That's really neat. I never even knew about them. You bring so much out here, LJ.

Hugs and much love, J

Vita said...

Gor, I'm lousy at sympathy. Glad to see you say things improving. So you've slept some? Wouldn't like any of those scenarios you imagined actually happening. I look forward to the next hobo sign. Very nice how you're depicting them. BTW, I had to stop using my Big Ben wind up alarm clock I used as a teen when I got room mates because no one else could stand the loud ticking!