Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I fall in a hole.


I'm steaming towards a goal. Right now, I have to write directions and draw diagrams for a bracelet pattern because, to my shock and surprise, a pitch I made to Unnamed Beading Magazine got to stage one - which is: send the bracelet and directions for consideration. I chose, in my infinite wisdom, to submit a bracelet design that I seriously doubt I can explain in under 100 pages. But that's not the pattern I'm referring to.

I'm steaming towards a goal. I need to focus intensely. At exactly the moment I get speed up, an important relationship in my life goes pothole (like going postal, only without weapons) I'm left trying to reach the goal of the moment, driving over the speed limit, on three wheels.


The phone rings. It's 10:00 a.m. and I'm having a good day at work. It's Man In My Life and he's calling to inform me that I've sent him a covert message. The covert message in question is that I'm having doubts about him and he's trying to decide if my life would be better without him in it. I have recently, casually mentioned getting email from a Man Who Is Not In My Life. This was the fatal mention containing top secret content understood by him, but not me.

I blithely assumed that I was telling him something about my life. You know, day to day news. I compounded the problem in a later conversation by explaining that I get too far into my maze-like brain as the result of choosing to spend days without human contact. I thought that I emphasized "choosing" as the operative word here but, according to him, I am sitting around alone and blaming him if I am lonely. I am, it would seem, a goldmine of secret messages. And crazy or stupid to boot because, really, I actually thought I meant what I said. I thought I was clear. I thought I knew what I felt.

*Pattern: Blindsided in a public place, deep in the pothole, I try to explain that I didn't mean to give covert messages. I consult my gut. Nope. No secret wish to have him out of my life there. Nope. No blaming him for my choices or general dilemmas.
But I have, I do, I am guilty on all counts, according to him.
Repeat from * over and over and over until I am trying to hide in a nearby storage cabinet with the phone while crying snottily and doubting my sanity. Maybe I'm not even on the phone. How would I know? Maybe I'm not even at the office. The general idea seems to be that I'm shaky on these kind of details.

I call KD, a Trained Professional and more importantly, a pretty smart cookie, for an objective opinion because I'm beginning to doubt whether it's really my hand dialing the phone.

According to the Trained Professional, Dr. Smart Cookie, what we have here is a mixed message which reads:

1. Be free! I have no claim on you. I am not jealous or possessive nor do I want you to be.
2. I am the alpha male and you have just mentioned another man. That upset me and now I am going to make you sorry.

I think that's pretty close. And what makes it bearable is that he has no idea that he's doing that. He gets pinned between his convictions and his conditioning, the testosterone floods in and maybe he's thinking, too, that what's the point of a girlfriend if she comes with issues and - voila! I'm a crazy woman, speaking in tongues, saying bad things. Covertly of course. Just like a bloody woman, don't you think?

Somebody shoot me?

No. Somebody shoot me if I do not a.) make a firm rule against conflict calls at work and b.) if you catch me apologizing for sending messages I definitely did not send.

No shooting him. I still love the big idiot. That's the other part of the pattern.

"Once had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out it was a pain in the ass"
Heart of Glass - Blondie


Kate said...

Ah men - can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em.

What to do with the Australian who I don't want to imagine life without, yet who I can't wait to be rid of?

Answers on a postcard to...

LJ said...

Postcard: Change your name and move to another city. It's your only chance. Don't think. Just do it.

Kate said...

Well in 3 months he'll be in Adelaide and I'll be God knows where. That might just do it...though he always seems to know just where to find me. If only he had a bad bone, unfortunately they're all good - makes it hard to dislike him no matter how much easier that would make things!

Nice to see a new post from you, I look forward to them!

Dale said...

Yikes! What a pain. I understand getting irrationally spooked, but you don't call somebody at work with something like that... do you? I wouldn't.

Edvard Moonke said...

you need freedom to explore your mind and your art.

p.s. do they have reliant robins in canada?

Mr. X said...

We wouldn't shoot you, ever.

After all, then we'd have to do some work instead of reading you in the mornings!

zhoen said...

Your Dr. SM seems to have it in one. Still, seems very manipulative to me, like he wants to break it off, but wants to blame you.

LJ said...

Dale...apparently you do. Or he does.My task, as I see it, is to politely hang up if it ever happens again.

Edvaard...Yes. And that's exactly what I'm going to do with the next few days. What in hell is a reliant robin? I'll look it up on the internet.

Mr. X - Thank you. I appreciate not being shot. And being read, of course.

Zhoen - You could be right, although I believe he isn't consciously manipulating. Time will tell. At this point, I'm not willing to indulge the emotional afterburn and am going on with my impossible bracelet diagram and the rest of my life. And I'm setting up
some basic rules in the event that we continue.

LJ said...

Edvaard. No. As far as I know, we don't have Reliant Robins. Why?

LJ said...

Oh. No Evaard. My vehicle is designed for four wheels, so three is not exactly balanced.
Don't worry. I'm just using my feet now. Not as fast. But they're mine and reasonably reliable.

herhimnbryn said...

Three wheels on her wagon and she's still rolling along!

You could still execute a hit and run with just three wheels lj.

Am banging on your door with a bottle of red. Any thing else I can put in my basket for you?

LJ said...

Another bottle of red? And how are you at diagrams? xo to you Herhimnbryn!

mm said...

I don't know what to say.

herhimnbryn said...

OK 2 reds.
Am crap at diagrams ( especially after imbibibg red).
Take care of yourself.

Ariel said...

Ho hum, a human attempting to decode another human... dangerous business that! Might it mean that he genuinely cares? Might it mean that he has misgivings? Might it mean that... who knows. Men are weird, especially when they start thinking.

LJ said...

MM...a stone is always fine.
H - Your on. Two bottles of red will do it nicely.
Ariel...Yep. Ho hum. and...
Zhoen wins with her guess. Figuring out how to decode him is no longer my problem.