Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Smarties Theory for Smart Women

Weedy came up with the Smarties Theory. Because, I suppose, she has to listen to me whine about my love life and my total ineptness is driving her nuts. Weed is half of a happy marriage that's lasted around 30 years, and (it seems to me) any guy she ever dated or has been around for over 20 minutes is still in love with her (in a charming, unobtrusive kind of way).

" Because they don't know everything about me," she explains.

As I am the good ship Titanic of relationships, she's seen fit to share her survival tips with me.

First this: I tell men what I think. Not just some of what I think. Most of what I think. OK - all of what I think. With hand gestures.

"Men don't want to know what you think," Weedy tells me.
"Well then, what's the point of a relationship then?"
"There isn't one. But that's just it, most of them don't want to know."

Weedy's secret to marriage and dealing with the male gender - hand out one or two Smarties of personal information as needed. Everything is on a need-to-know basis. Never give them the whole package. Maintain a little mystery.

"So, you're saying that giving them the chocolate factory in Belgium is excessive then?"
"Yes. Here you go - two Smarties. If you're good I'll give you two more Smarties."
"Then giving them Belgium in its entirety is a mistake?"
"Two Smarties. Believe me, they'll be grateful."

Weigh in, ladies and especially gentlemen. Two Smarties or Belgium?


Anonymous said...

My partner wants to know what I think, which is one of the reasons he's my partner. If I were single and met someone who didn't want to know what I think, I wouldn't waste my valuable time.

That said, baring your soul to someone without really knowing who they are... uh, no. That level of trust requires time. It's also a perfect way to send a man screaming for the hills. Meet, have a couple of dates, do the emotional equivalent (in their view) of picking out a china pattern.

The Smarties theory is sound, and yes, I agree that most men don't want to know what a woman thinks. Ignore those ones.

My theory on relationships is this: the most important is the one you have with yourself. If that isn't solid, it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship wth a partner.

And here's what I've learned about men, for what it's worth: a woman who has her own life and is happy with it is damn near irresistible. Provided she really has her own life. Faking it doesn't work for long; that strategy inevitably fetches up on an iceberg.

Unvarnished, as always,

zhoen said...

But this is not about men and women. If I am approached by someone who tells me every detail of themselves on our first meeting, I want to run away. I want to build a friendship slowly, sharing increasing trust and information over time.

A good male/female relationship is the same as any friendship. No one wants a potential friends guts spilled all over them.

On the other side, guy who asks it of a gal is waving red "control freak" flags. Just like a potential friend who asks me too many personal questions.

Balance. Rules to govern any kind of relationship make it artificial, taking away what is most wanted before you even start.

beadbabe49 said...

I have to weigh in with the majority here....two smarties at can give them belgium after 30 years of sharing...heck, after 30 years they HAVE chocolate at a time...;)

Kate said...

Such good advice here. I would definitely agree with Smarties at first and Belgium will follow of its own accord.

Sometimes it's hard though, I know. I think some people are naturally just more intense and highly strung than others. It will either drive people away or bind them all the more tightly to you. It's like with any extreme - they have a polarising effect on people. Question is; are you happy with who you are and the consequences of that identity, or are you willing to dilute it in order to become less polarising and more generally accepted?

Personally, I say Smarties yes, but don't lose your passion or dilute yourself past all recognition. The world is already too full of bland, homogenous people.

LJ said...

HQ - relationship with myself? What a disquieting idea. :)

Zhoen - actually, I simply tell the truth. I've puffed this entry up for the sake of making it funnier, but I've had relationships where I've realized after a couple years that it will never be my turn to express my feelings. Where it is my job to listen. Actually with men and women both, come to think of it. And with men, partners have often said to me in astonishment, "You didn't tell ME that." Yes. I did. It was along about the fifth Smartie but he stopped listening at two Smarties. (Not ALL men - but many I know do not listen. Ask Edvard! He missed his partner telling him he was about to be a father! Too many smarties in the after work conversation!)

BB - That's a comfortable way to give up Belgium, I suspect. You can hand it over peaceably then, knowing it's in fairly safe hands.

Kate - Thank you. The "high strung" everywhere thank you. I can get along with most men by shutting up and listening. Being myself is pretty much out of the question - and recently a friend told me about a bookm "How to Hepburn" and she said refusing to drop your own persona is called "getting your Hepburn on." Honestly - some days I think I'll never find a balance.

herhimnbryn said...

Smarties yes and Belgium comes later. But, you are right, sometimes the listening stops...on both sides. However, I find myself repeating things more often than not and it makes me very, very tired!

I think Hepburn ( Kate, that is) said ' Men and women should not live together, but next door to each other'. Sounds fine to me. I would add that I would be happy with a connecting door, so long as the lock was on my side!