Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Stories


I'm crappy at meditation, but I sit. Observe my breath. Not enough. Light a candle and focus my eyes on the flame, the rest of my attention on my breath. Better.

The din in my head begins to subside. I'm using reminders. When the brain-spin cycle starts (and it's so sneaky how it creeps up) I remind myself: "thinking" and return to breath and candle flame.

For the past few months, the noise has been deafening. Thoughts becoming emotions becoming thoughts becoming emotions in a ceaseless chicken or egg-first cycle. I am overdosed on the stories of my life churning in my tired brain. I'd prefer a plotless life for at least a few hours every day. I'd like to fold up my opinions, ambitions, fruitless worries, vain and reachable hopes, my judgments, fears and even happiness and just be whatever is underneath all that deafening, distorting roar...to stop filtering, to stop being twice, three times removed from myself.

This makes it difficult, you understand, to write...

But I'm quietly reading you all, all this time.

12 comments:

zhoen said...

I never could quiet my mind unless my body was moving.

Kate said...

I'm doing exactly the same.

JoeinVegas said...

It is hard to get your mind out of those circles. At times I often get stuck myself.

Darkmind said...

I believe this has been a problem for humans as long as we have had this annoyingly outlandish brain capacity. I also think it may very well be the inspiration for the development of opiates and booze...
I'd like to offer some helpful advice for unjumbling your mind, but I am afraid that would be like the blind leading the nearsighted.

Teri said...

I was just saying today how being a sensation junkie makes it hard to meditate. That's just me. Plus, my head is teeming with stories and feelings and distractions and beliefs and worries and all that. Just like every other human being on the planet...

It does make it hard to write.

Big kudos for sitting, LJ. Love you, woman.

LJ said...

Hi Everyone. I'm amazed that you continue to check in - but maybe I shouldn't be. I read your blogs when I'm quiet - or you are, too.

Zhoen - it was beading for me before or floor washing... But I just hit a spot where nothing worked, so I sat.
Hard as that is for me.

Kate - good luck with the monkey.

Joe - Stuck 'r' us, huh? All of us.

D - You could be right there. On all counts. But maybe we could stumble along propping each other up, huh?

Teri - Love you too.

All - The urge to write is coming back. Maybe that's one way to empty the brain. Spill it on the page.

Dale said...

It sounds to me like you're doing perfect meditation. You're not supposed to make anything happen, or stop happening; you're supposed to see what's there. That's what my teachers say, anyway. If the mind settles, cool. If not, so what?

herhimnbryn said...

Like Z. I quieten my head by moving. If I ever try to meditate I fall asleep.

Hang in there lj and/or right it down.

phlegmfatale said...

wow, I wish I didn't understand so well what you are saying in this post. Sometimes, my brain will not be turned off, and to sit at remove from life's tortures is what I desperately need most. *le sigh*

LJ said...

Thanks Dale. I was far past "so what" when I sat before writing this. I mean, not much can induce me to actually sit still in the first place, but the noise level in my head was breaking the sound barrier. I was so relieved when it subsided!

H - After a while, my eyes wanted to close, but I hung in.

Phlegmy - It's not my first choice of activity (or non-activity is not my first choice)but really, sometimes it gets ridiculous, doesn't it? And this is the only thing I know to do to stop it.

Edvard Moonke said...

hello lj,

i can imagine how the way you feel makes it difficult to write. oh but it's so good to read you when you do decide to write... x

LJ said...

Hi Edvard darlin. Hope you and yours are through the worst now.