Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The truth of the moment

I’ve reached the State of Equilibrium. It borders on the State of Hysterical Inertia – a territory with a thousand highways criss-crossing flat, changeless land only to arrive back where they began. It is always exactly 5:00 p.m. in Hysterical Inertia – neither day nor proper night. You start having impulses to get out of the car and dye your hair blue-black, or shave it off, or move your bed into the bathroom. Anything to get off those roads. I imagine it’s like Alberta, without borders or mountains.

I’m not sure what’s beyond the metaphorical gazebo I’m sitting in now. The thing about Equilibrium is that it doesn’t particularly matter what’s out there. I’m counting crows and seagulls. A three crow morning today, matter of fact. And that’s about the only fact worth knowing. I’m pretty much happy with breathing as my primary activity.

You do have time to think here, though. And I realized today (with no sense of alarm or disappointment) that when people (okay, male people) hail you on an internet site, it is merely a reflexive action - a man passing by rotates his cranial unit and seeing apparatus in your direction. Rather like a nervous tick. A flicker that sputters out in the time it takes to send an automated compliment. I’ve stopped answering the flickers.

In November, I decided that a period of celibacy was in order. I cut the last thread with my used-to-be, who took it in a spirit of bad grace, foul temper and threw in a couple cutting remarks. No one else was in view, so it was pretty much a done deal. And I was happy with the decision for a week.

The fretting began soon afterwards. I was celibate for over seven years once. By the end, it was neither a happy nor a healthy experience. I began to dwell on that. Began to ponder years, possibly all the rest of them (because I-am-no-spring-chicken, as they say) alone. Alone except for the cliché of a cat. Woman and cat. How long, I wondered, until I was dressing the cat or making little hats for him and then taking pictures. Ohmygod posting them. Here.

I moved from Fretting to Hysterical Inertia over a period of weeks.

And here’s the thing – I have no idea how I got to Equilibrium. One minute I was considering packing a duffel bag and running for my life – to anywhere else. And the next, I was in the gazebo not even remotely considering haute couture for the cat.

And feeling like my life was…pretty much okay. Maybe it was the hours of making mandalas – or just plain old divine intervention. At any rate. I’m manless. The cat is hatless. And there was just one crow on the way home. No seagulls.


beadbabe49 said...


LJ said...

Nice mandala though huh, BB? Thanks and back at you (o)

Koru's Daughter said...

Hope you move from equalibrium to happiness soon.

Would you make a hat for my cat too? Something she can not remove easily, please.

LJ said...

Equilibrium is just fine. Happy to stay awhile. And...umm...the point is not to be dressing the cat, right?

JoeInVegas said...

Should we run if we start seeing cat pictures here? Maybe cats wearing mandalas?
But having your bed in the bathroom is very convenient, especially if you are one to drink heavily before bedtime (saves a long walk). Unless you live in a college dorm or some other place filled with other late night drinkers.

Koru's Daughter said...

Trust me LJ, we all eventually get around to dressing the cat. The wheel never stops turning.

Enjoy the equilibrium while it lasts... I am still hoping it morphs into happiness with a rest stop at delight.

LJ said...

Dear Joe: You should stage an intervention if you see cats in hats. Please. And yes - you see! There is genius in my madness (even if it takes someone else to see why a bed in the bathroom is logical.)And by the way, shipping cheese to the US is about as easy as shipping plutonium. Apparently dairy has a shady underbelly I never knew about.

KD - Happy enough, really! Quiet in the gazebo, but just fine. Thanks though.

herhimnbryn said...

Isn't there a saying or somesuch about not looking for a mate, then while you are not looking one turns up?

Anyway ride the waves lj:)

LJ said...

That's the saying, H. But I don't know that it's true. At any rate, the point, I think, is to be open to any possibility (except hatting the cat)...and learning to be content or even happy with whatever. (Lucky it's a simple thing, huh? Something we all can manage even though our monkey minds are hopping all over the place.) And by the way, thanks for sending all the temptation! Oh those juicy photos. My laundry will be a story high!

Jess D'Zerts said...

Oh, that's a very handsome mandala, LJ! Glad to know you're feeling stabilized and content. And in the event the cat indicates that he might actually like a hat (you never know unless you tune in), well, just go ahead and make him a hat and file it under "LJ's Outrageously Funny Sense of Humor."

Stop by I'm Jess Sayin for my year-end message.